why is continuous practice so difficult ??

My girlfriend and I are both vipassana-meditators and aspiring to develop ourselves into becoming better persons, better partners and (soon) better parents.
We are very conscious of our weaknesses and personal challenges.
We are evenly aware of the solutions to develop and overcome our weaknesses.
The solutions are PRACTICE (meditation/metta) everyday and TRANSPARENT, OPEN communication.
When we are coherent with these insights and disciplined in the practice of the solutions, our relationship is great, we are in communion and amazingly complice.
However, as soon as we stop the practice we fall back into negative patterns, egoic and destructive reactions and are fighting a lot. This drives us sometimes towards questioning our relationship and thinking of splitting up.
Yet, somehow we both know deep inside that these negative patterns will come over and over again, even with other partners, that we need to evolve and grow over them.
It feels like a vicious circle. We often feel stupid and disappointed when confronted with our own inability to live life in line with our  believes and insights.

WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO PRACTICE COHERENTLY AND CONTINUOUSLY WHEN WE KNOW IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO SALVATION ??

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

Partly because it just is.

Parly because many of the techniques don't work, or work poorly.

Partly because of the nature of modern society, and the massive amount of programming imagery and stories we are exposed to on a daily basis.

Partly because some of practice can't work until the person involved passes thru certain life stages, and acheives certain insights about life that are very unlikely before those life experiences are reached.

Partly because of the overwhelmingly powerful forces arising from our biology. (and some from early conditioning).

Other reasons too. ;-}
 

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

ok, that's a relief ;-)

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

Ha ha ha - a relief indeed. ;-}

Why do you think it's so difficult?

What are the most difficult parts, in your experience?

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

Hi Bill,
I don't know really. I don't seem to be able to explain it rationally.
Each time that we come out of a 10-day vipassana retreat we are full of good intentions, and strong determination to practice…we keep the practice for 1 month, ….and then it starts breaking down little by little…not 1h meditation anymore but 45 minutes. Not 2 times a day but once a day…etc etc…and then as the discipline decreases somehow the mind starts to wander away more and more, the 'sleepiness' comes easier…and before we know it we don't practice anymore…favorising social things or other occupations to the practice…
and the spiral goes down…
untill a fight where  we are faced with ourselves and our determination grows again slightly…
What I don't like is that it is a recurrent pattern and we don't seem to learn from our mistakes…

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

I have had (and still have) the same experience in staying with practice amid the busyness of daily life.

For me, what it comes down to is that at a retreat, there are no distractions – no phone, no computer, no TV, no job, no whatever – which makes it easy to practice – and we then try to believe we can maintain that same committment at home. But life always gets in the way.

My solution has been to rearrange my life to make practice a regular part of it, and on those occasions when it doesn't happen, to be gentle with myself (as Pema Chodron always asks of us).

Just like with exercise (I'm a fitness/nutrition coach), we have to make it a part of our lifestyle and “just do it” even on those days when we don't feel like it. But more importantly, on those days we don't do it, don't make an issue of it, just start again the next day.

I don't know if this helps at all, but this how I've been working at it.

Peace,
WH

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

I figure there's a natural ebb and flow to practice, also.

At least, my practice has often been that way - periods of intensity, followed by periods of relaxtion and return to the ordinary.

Doing a practice as a couple can be particularly intense, and I think taking breaks from that can be particularly important. There's a natural conflict between the demands of practice, and the demands of mating, and the demands of mating are so powerful and rooted so deeply in the personality and the culture, that you pretty much have to 'honor' it, in my experience, by spending time doing ordinary mating things for their own sake.

I'm also an adherent of the idea that, for “hygenic” reasons, a practice should be formally _ended_. This has actually been a very important part of my approach to practice - doing a certain amount of efforts, then declaring the practice finished, until I start again.
 

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

While reading your correspondence,  I felt lacking one strong emotion in your writing.  Being positive and confident.   
There is a question-ing and disappointment in who you are;  you  aspire rather than knowing, accepting and being.  Know that you are good and that you both own the ability to BE!   
 You state you are very conscious of your weaknesses and personal challenges.  That is good, but what about being  MORE aware of your strengths and personal abilities.  Focus with gratitude on the positive and the other evolves and becomes change.    Add that to your solutions.   Weaknessess aren't to be overcome ( that makes it sound daunting and difficult).  Weakness is the opposit of strength and therefore one developes strength.   The practices then become enjoyable, to look forward to and something you feel comfortable with, not that it is a duty or must have to do or you are then not whole.     You have attached the properties of failure instead of accomplishment to the act of the solutions, using them as a crutch instead.   Also,  perhaps an excuse. 

“When we are coherent with these insights and disciplined in the practice of the solutions, our relationship is great, we are in communion and amazingly complice.
However, as soon as we stop the practice we fall back into negative patterns, egoic and destructive reactions and are fighting a lot. This drives us sometimes towards questioning our relationship and thinking of splitting up.”       

Yet, somehow we both know deep inside that these negative patterns will come over and over again, even with other partners, that we need to evolve and grow over them.
It feels like a vicious circle. We often feel stupid and disappointed when confronted with our own inability to live life in line with our  believes and insights.

Know deep inside instead of the positive patterns, bring them to the focus.  It is easier to live in the positive actions, the strong abilities and goodness than at attempts and thinking you only have inability.    Perhaps your beliefs and insights are not the exact ones that are comfortable for you.  Don't set boundaries that seem unattainable;  step outside into your own being(s).  The positive is just that, positive.  Stretch and know that life is good when it is comfortable.    Look at the verbology/languages that you use with each other.
I like alot of what Carolyn Myss presents in her books as regards relationships with yourself and others.   
Have a brick - know that is your solid base and the energy is your ability to build the strengths and the things make  you feel the satisfaction of achievement;  instead of the tearing down what you have built  and calling the base weaknessess, disappointments and inabilities.      

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

Hi Bill and Gail,
thanks for your kind answers.
I guess there is truth in both your sayings. Acceptance of things as they are without putting pressure on oneself certainly helps. There is nothing constructive in putting ourselves down if we don't practice enough…But eyt, I feel there is some tension and paradox there with our conditioning. We have both been raised as 'winners', 'achievers'…are both performing succesfully on the professional scene and are used to be thinking in 'result-oriented' terms, short-term thinking and 'not accepting status-quo'. I guess with spiritual practice, just the opposite competences are needed…patience, tolerance and acceptance. And, like you put it Gail, positive confidence.
Spiritual practice is certainly not in our comfort zone, it is relatively new to us (a couple of years) and we are still at the 'discovery' phase, far from being established. We both know it is the right path for us, we just need to learn to trust the process…
And indeed, Gail, recognize and focus on what we already do, our abilities, instead of what we do not do.
Bill, when you say your practice goes like ebb and flow, do you also experience differences in perspective or consicouness in the 'lower' periods ?
Metta
Francois

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

Bill, when you say your practice goes like ebb and flow, do you also experience differences in perspective or consicouness in the 'lower' periods ?

Well, I said I think all practice has a natural ebb and flow. To use a metaphor, you can't lift weights all the time - you have to give your cells time to recover and build new cells.

As much work gets done during the 'ebb' periods as during the 'flow' periods, in this way of looking at practice.

I personally often feel some of my best work happens during the 'ebb' periods.

But I think of practice as being more like “working out” than like a religious observance - I'm interested in the large scale changes that happen over time. Time is a critical part of the process, and development over time is the goal.

I still don't have a very good idea of what your experience is like - what is it that is happening during the 'ebb' periods that is not what you want?

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

Basically in my 'ebb' periods, when I practice less or not, I am much less 'present', much less anchered in the now. My mind is wandering away from the present moment continuously, is agitated and is not focused (or less focused I should say).
I observe that I judge and label people much more also when I do not practice, and I am much less emotionally accessible. I have much less contact with my emotions and I am less sensitive and less empathic, with my girlfriend as well as with other people.
I am less aware of my 'core essence', my essential Self free from ego-centric perspectives, and less able to just 'see things as they are'…coming and going, impermanent.
I am less detached and se basically I am more miserable.

Off course this is all to be taken relatively while 'in the world of form' I am extremely grateful for everything I have should certainly not be complaining. I really have everything a being needs to be happy. I just point out the differences of when I practice vs. when I am not practicing.

Does this sound familiar to you ??

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

Sounds quite familiar, altho, you might not like my perspective on it.

The way I look at it, meditation practices like vipassana don't in and of themselves “fix” (a better word might be to “modify”) the personality and character structure.

That's not their purpose. Vipassana is really meant to be part of a monk's practice, not a lay practice, and living the monks lifestyle would block most of the manifestations of personality structure that you are describing.

To fit a practice regime like vipassana into the modern lifestyle, you pretty much have to alloy it with practices meant to train and develop the personality and character structure.

Otherwise, what wil almost always happen is what you are describing.

It's the old “meditation is NOT psychotherapy” problem.

Unfortunately, personality and character development and training usually is a long term proposition. So, it's not like there is any quick fix, the way I see it.

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

Hi Bill,
yes, I do agree partly with you. Vipassana meditation is basically only working on the development of the awareness, the development of the 'sensing' faculty and the 'anchering one-self' more into the now, …however, I do believe that by the continuity of this practice over time you kind of 're-program' yourself also to react differently in certain situations and you enable yourself to see things through other perspectives which can mean some  fundamental changes in personality.
But I agree that its essential purpose is not to develop social or communications skills, some other disciplines and practices are better for this.
Recently I got very excited by the 'Integral Life Practice' approach of Ken Wilber and I wnt to give it a try. This really tries to integrate all different kind of practices into a more integral encompassing whole…and this approach really resonates strongly with me.
Have you ever heard of this ILP ?
Cheers
Francois

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

Hey Francois,

ILP is useful, but don't feel that you need to buy the whole kit, which is spendy. You can create your own integral practice – and if you feel like you need some help with that, start with Murphy & Leonard's The Life We Are Given, which you can find in most good used bookstores, or at Amazon. They call their model Integral Transformative Practice, but it's where Wilber got the idea for the ILP project.

Working in multiple realms of our lives does seem to accelerate progress, at least in my own experience. Bottom line for all practices is that shadow work is crucial – the things that block progress are almost always shadow elements.

Peace,
Bill

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Re: why is continuous practice so difficult ??

Yes, shadow work is crucial - and very challenging, which is what makes it all too easy to neglect…

Peace,

Nicole

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