Index for RAM's book on Intimate Relationships

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 04:58:32 -0000

Hi all

I thought you might be interested in seeing the index I've been working on for Robert Augustus Masters' forthcoming book on intimate relationships. The formatting in the book may be a little different, but essentially here's the final version:

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Abusive Behavior blind compassion & 85-87; by parents 85-86; spiritual teachers & 85

Accountability, Lack of see "Doing One's Best" Excuse

Addiction ecstasy vs. 199-200; to sex 166-167

Affairs see Betrayal

Aggression anger & 33, 68, 127, 131-132, 146; defined 127; passive 146; shame & 114-115

Androgyny, spirituality & 202

Anger 5, 124-148; aggression & 33, 68, 127, 131-132, 146; "anger-in" 128-129; "anger-out" 129; angerphobia 125; as an animal 124-125; aversion to 133; aversion to partner's 144-146; behavioral manifestations of 126; blind compassion & 82; boundaries & 66, 128, 131; cathartic release of 129; compassion & 132-134; contextual aspect 126-127; as daimonic 148; danger of not exploring 133; defined 126; eroticized 180; expression of 142-148; fear & 149; feeling/sensation aspects 126; female 136-140; gender & 136-140; glorification of 125; heart anger 130-131, 137-138; intimacy with 66, 125, 130, 132-134, 136; joy in 147-148; judgements & 135-136; listening to 139-140, 146; love & 134, 145; male 136-140; male withdrawal from 139; mental commentary on 135; mindfully held 129-130, 146; as moral fire 132; nonverbal expression of 143-144; "possession" by 124, 148; as "primitive" 127; reactivity & 140-142; receiving 66, 142-148; rejected 147; rejection & 145; relational intimacy & 134-148; relational stages & 131-132; sex as an outlet for 147; shame & 109, 144; soul-centered 131; teasing & 147; therapy example 142-143; violence & 128; what we do with 125; wildness of 137; working with 128-131; wrathful compassion 130

Attachment 15; jealousy & 91; mature monogamy & 16; transcendence of 91; vulnerability & 15

Attention to doubt 157-159; eroticizing of 192-193; listening & 38-39

Attraction of beloved 242-249; vs. charge 184; power of 242-243; Law of 243

Autonomy communion & 22, 30, 41

Awakening 23; flirting & 194; intimate relationship & 2, 23, 27-28, 31; monogamy & 16; through difficulties 47-48; through love 236; mature monogamy & 51-52, 240

Barbaric vs. Bland 3-4

Being-Centered Relationship anger & 132; commitment & 214; conflict in 64-65; defined 6-7; difficulties & 47-48; discomfort & 253; effect on others 214, 237, 253-254; fear & 160-161; flirting & 191; foreplay & 201; friendship vs. chemistry & 237; guilt & 123; habits (dysfunctional) & 25-26; honesty & 226; intimacy & 7, 252; listening & 41, 44-45; love & 237; lower-stage tendencies & 252; monogamy & 7; polarity & 203; power & 97; psychic attunement & 41; reactivity & 34, 59, 62; sex & 172-173, 197, 206; shadow-work & 70; shame & 116; states & 21; unitive experience & 33

Beloved, Attracting Your 242-249; conditioning & 245; how not to 242-243; manipulation 244; need for deep work 245; prayer & 245-249; seduction 244; self-presentation & 244

Betrayal 6-7, 17; emotional affair 104; flirting & 186, 189, 192; jealousy & 89; me-centered relationship & 195

Bill Clinton 228

Birth Trauma 150

Blame 63

Blind Compassion 81-87; abusive behavior & 85-87; anger & 82; arrogance & 82; 81-87; child assault example 84; confusion of absolute & relative 83; defined 81; "doing one's best" excuse 81, 86; fear & 81-82; fear of shadow 83; forgiveness & 86; jealousy & 91; judgement & 83-84; kindness & 81; postmodernism & 87; rapist example 83; real compassion vs. 86-87, 102; spiritual teachers & 85; spirituality & 85

Boundaries 22, 44, 79-80; anger & 66, 128, 131; dissolution of 33, 177-178; flirting & 188; love & 236-237; mature monogamy & 239-241; romance & 177-178; safety & 218-219; therapy & 230

Breadth depth vs. 217

Breaking Up 30

Capitulation 99-100

Charge 15, 184-187; active nature of 184-185; attraction vs. 184; compassion & 187; defined 184; intimacy & 186; positive aspect of 186; "possession" by 186; real sex vs. 185; repression of 187; as threat to relationship 186

Cheating, see Betrayal

Cognition doubt & 155, 157-159; vs. emotion 71-71, 74; empathy & 79;

see also Thoughts and Rationality

Cognitive Line of Development 35; see also IQ

Commitment 211-217; "being committed" 212; breadth vs. depth 217; conditioning & 212-213; embracing limitations 216-217; female view of 211-212; genuine 214-217; immature 212-213; integrity & 215; intimacy & 217; male view of 211-212; mature 211; relational stages & 212-214

Communication 68-69, 76; through signal 57, 69

Communion 80; autonomy & 22, 30, 41; psychic 173

Compassion 66; anger & 132-134; blind 81-87; blind vs. real 86-87, 102; charge & 187; fear & 153-154; fierce/wrathful 31, 100, 130-132, 203, 238; jealousy & 94; for shadow 70; shame & 112

Conditioning attracting beloved & 245; commitment & 212-213; manifestation & 243-244; partner's 51-52; relating to rather than from 245

Conflict 63-67; as opportunity 64-65; regression & 65; relational stages & 63-65;

see also Reactivity and Difficulties

Confrontation avoidance of 98-99; fear of 67; overwhelm & 139; positive aspects 99; therapy & 67

Conscience defined 111-112

Conscious Rant 60, 77

Consenting Adults, Myth of 169

Container, Relationship as 16-17, 218, 241; threats to 222

Contempt 115

Conventionality, mature monogamy & 50

Conventional Monogamy see immature monogamy

Cult defined 213; of two 6, 13, 22, 213

Dalai Lama 81

Dance (relationship as) 30

Delusions, Relationship-infecting 98-105

Depth breadth vs. 217

Desperation 100-101

Difficulties being-centered relationship & 47-48; disconnected feeling 46-49; intimacy with 47; mature monogamy & 47-48; in relationship 24-31; as opportunities 29; "stuckness" 47;

see also Conflict and Reactivity

Disconnection feeling into 47; feeling of 46-49

"Doing One's Best" Excuse 81, 86, 101-102, 189

Doubt 155-159; attention to 157-159; cognitive aspects of 155, 157-159; defined 155; disidentification with 158; doubt your doubt 157-158; everyday 156; feeling into 158; healthy 156; intimacy with 157-158; manifestations of 156; risk-taking & 158; skepticism 155-156, 158; what we do with 157

Ecstasy addiction & 199-200; defined 199; orgasm & 199-200

Edge being at 29-30

Egalitarianism see Equality of Men & Women

Egoity intimate relationship & 5, 28; mature monogamy & 9; reactivity & 61-62; shame & 114-115; unitive experience & 33

Emotional Illiteracy 71-80; boundaries & 79-80; partner's superior emotional literacy 74; reactivity & 76-77; steps to emotional literacy 75-78; vulnerability & 78

Emotions cognition vs. 71, 72, 74; containment vs. expression 73; contextual aspects of 126-127; decision making & 72; devaluation of 71-72, 74; dissociation from 72; emotional education 73; emotional nakedness 201-202; ethics & 72; expressing 75; gender & 72, 74; interrelatedness of 73; intimacy with 73; jealousy 88-94; men's expression of 73-74; objectivity & 71-72; primary/secondary 73, 77-78; rationality vs. 138; subjectivity & 71-72; ubiquity of 71; women's expression of 74

Empathy 76, 79; cognition & 79; generating practices 78

EQ (Emotional Intelligence)35, 71-72, 78-79; raising 78-79

Equality of Men & Women 3, 138

Eroticism/Eroticizing 171-174; of anger 180; of attention 192-193; defined 15, 171; fantasy & 181-183; flirting & 192; of insecurity 180; men & 180-181; of needs 180-183; of neglect 180-181; real sex vs. 172; sexual excitation & 171; sexual release & 171-173; transcendence of 173; of trauma 182-183; women & 180, 182

Ethics emotions & 72; see also Morality and MQ

Evolution cultural 1-4; of intimate relationship 1-9, 32-37

Excitement fear & 149, 161

Faith vs. hope 246

Fantasy 17, 181-183, 206-207; examples 181-182; exploring details of 181; female 182; lesbian 182; male 181-182; sadomasochism 181-182; trauma & 182-183; violent 181-182

Fear 149-161; adaptive vs. maladaptive 151; anger & 149; birth trauma & 150; child metaphor 153; cognitive aspects 150-152; collective 154-155; compassion towards 153-154; of confrontation 67, 98-99; defined 149-150; disidentification with 154; doubt 155-159; everyday vs. deeper 151-152; excitement & 149, 161; exploration of 152-154; guilt & 123; human vs. animal 150-151; integral approach to 154; intimacy with 66-67, 151-152; love & 155; relating to rather than from 151; relational stages & 159-161; of shame 109; shame & 123; trauma-centered 154; working with fear 152-155; worry 150-151

Feelings communication of 76; identification of 75-76; men & 103-104; ubiquity of 71; unawareness of 103-104

Flirting 186, 188-194; affairs & 189; attention & 192-193; Awakening & 194; betrayal & 186, 189, 192; boundaries & 188; defined 188; denial of 188-189; essence of 192; female view of 190; healthy 193; intimacy & 191-192, 194; male view of 189-190; relational stages & 188-191; unhealthy 193-194; within relationship 193; see also Teasing

Foreplay 201; relational stages & 201

Forgiveness blind compassion & 86; shame vs. guilt & 120

Freedom through intimacy 7, 16, 18, 27, 30-31, 44, 70, 254; through limitation 17, 31, 217; path of 49; safety & 219

Gender anger & 136-140; emotions & 72

Giving In see Capitulation

God as Absolute Nondual Being 247; levels of 247; prayer & 247; as Ultimate Orgasm 187; as Ultimate Peeping Tom 187

Gratitude 48

Groupwork 228-231; example 229-231; pathological possibilities 230; self-disclosure in 230

Guilt 117-123; compassionate exploration of 121; defined 117; everted 119; fear & 123; healthy shame vs. 119-120; morality of 111-112, 119; overeating example 122-123; as parent/child conflict 117, 120-123; pornography example 118; relational stages & 122-123; religious exploitation of 120; resentment & 119; self-divisive nature of 117-118; self-punishment & 118; shame & 123; shared 122; "trying" & 118; working with 121

Habits (dysfunctional) 25-26

Healing shortcut to 233

Honesty 224-226; about dishonesty 226; honor & 226; levels of 225; need for control 224-225; relational levels & 226; "snapping" example 226; underlying motivations for 224-225

Honor 226

Hope vs. faith 246

Immature Monogamy 13-18; betrayal & 17; fantasy & 17; multiple-partnering & 18; as preparation for mature monogamy 16, 18

Interconnectivity 250-251

Integral Approach to fear 154; to trauma 154

Integral Psychotherapy 227, 233

Integrity commitment & 215; reactivity & 58; trust & 220

Interobjectivity defined 251

Interpretive Framework 34-35

Interruption 42

Intersubjectivity defined 251

Intimacy with all that we are 22-23; with anger 66, 125, 130, 132-134, 136; being-centered relationship & 7; charge & 186; as closeness 22; commitment & 217; defined 22; with difficult stuff 47; with doubt 157-158; with emotions 73; with fear 66-67, 151-152; flirting & 191-192, 194; love & 185; mother-baby 240; radical 20-23, 240; relational stages & 252; with shadow 23, 70; with states 21, 35-36; warrior of 140

IQ (Intelligence Quotient) 35, 71-72, 78-79

Jealousy 88-94; attachment & 91; betrayal & 89; blame & 91; as blend of emotions 88; blind compassion & 91; central message of 91-92; cheating & 89; children & 89; compassion & 94; defined 88, 93; as difficult guest 94; exploring 90; healthy perspective on 90-91; love & 92; naming 90; rejection & 92, 94; staying open & 92; therapy & 90; trust & 93; unwarranted 89, 92-93; warranted 89; what we do with 90; working with 90-91

Judgement anger & 135-136; blind compassion & 83-84; child assault example 84

Leaving a Relationship 30

Lines of Development 35; cognitive 35; moral 35

Listening 38-45; to anger 139-140, 146; attention & 38-39; autonomy & communion 41; care & 39; defined 45; dynamic nature of 39; interruption & 42; patience & 39; reactivity & 42-43; relational stages & 40-45; to silence 39, 45; therapy & 41-44

Love 234-238; as Absolute Mystery 235; anger & 134, 145; aspects of 235; Awakening through 236; boundaries & 236-237; defined 235; fear & 155; fierce 238; inclusiveness of 236; intimacy & 185; jealousy & 92; lust & 205-207; moving towards 236; personal level 236; personalizing of 235; practice opening to 238; prayer 238; reactivity & 58; rejection & 92-93; relational stages & 237; romance vs. 178; sex & 185, 207; romantic 237

Lust love & 205-207

"Making Nice" 101

Manifestation conditioning & 243-244; thought & 243

Marriage conventional view of 3; female view of 190; male view of 189-190; me-centered relationship & 189-190, 196; as prostitution 196; as trap 3, 15-16

Mature Monogamy 7, 13-18, 50-52, 80, 250-254; attachment & 16; Awakening & 51-52, 240; boundaries & 239-241; conventionality & 50; difficult stuff & 47-48; egocentric impulses & 9; exclusion & 239-241; inclusion & 239-241 (of qualities 239); path toward 16, 18, 252-253; preparation for 8, 51; radical intimacy of 240; as stage 50; states & 37; therapy & 227; trust & 17-18

Me-Centered Relationship 5-6; anger & 131; betrayal & 195; commitment & 212; conflict & 63-64; discomfort & 253; emotional illiteracy & 73; fear & 159-160; flirting & 188-190; foreplay & 201; friendship vs. chemistry & 237; guilt & 122; honesty & 226; intimacy & 252; listening & 40; love & 237; marriage & 189-190, 196; monogamy & 5, 195; power & 96; reactivity 58; romanticism & 189; sex & 195-196; shadow-work & 69; shame & 114-115; therapy & 41-43

Meditation 61, 66, 78, 90

Men anger & 136-140; capitulation by 99-100; commitment & 211-212; eroticism & 180-181; expression of emotion 73-74; fantasy & 181-182; feelings & 103-104; flirting & 189-190; male helplessness 212; marriage & 189-190, 196; masculinity (archetypal) 17; masculinity (essential) 202-203; monogamy & 15-16, 195; orgasm 200; stonewalling & 139; therapy & 227-228

Messiness of Relationship see Difficulties

Mindfulness anger & 129-130, 146; in therapy 42-43

Monogamy 5-8, 13-18; Awakening & 16; as cult of two 13; me-centered relationship & 195; men & 15-16, 195; non-monogamous urges 5-7; polyamory vs. 14; relational stages & 5-8; women & 195

see also Immature Monogamy and Mature Monogamy

Moral Line of Development 35

Morality anger & 132; of guilt 111-112, 119; pornography & 177, 179; of shame 111-112

MQ (Moral Intelligence) 111-112; see also Ethics

Multiple Partnering 14, 17; immature monogamy & 18; see also Polyamory

New Age 243

Open Relationship 14-15

Orgasm 199-201; ecstasy vs. 199; ecstatic 199-200; typical 200

Original Sin 120

Out of Touch with Partner see Disconnection, Feeling of

Paradox of Relationship 22, 30

Parent/Child Conflict guilt as inner 117, 120-121

Poems (first line) This edgeless depth we share 10; Your face a landscape 18; Long the wait has been 52; In the long darkness you come to me 54; This silken glide 162; In the womanly wilds of you 208; In love's lucid swoon 255

Polarity 202-203; being-centered relationship & 203; practice 231

Polyamory defined 14; as immature monogamy 14; monogamy vs. 14; see also Multiple Partnering

Pornography 175-179; advertising & 177; compassionate approach to 179; capitalism & 177; child metaphor 178-179; defined 175; exploration of 179; guilt & 118; morality & 177, 179; pervasiveness of 177; romance as 177-178; teenage boys & 176

Postmodernism 87

Power as an ally 97; defined 96; empowered (defined) 96; power over (defined) 96, 127, 244; power to 96-97; power with (defined) 96, 97; relational stages & 96-97; struggles 95-97, 134

Practices for couples 227-233; entire relationship as 233; opening to love 238; recommended 233; relationship enhancing 231-232; therapy-derived 231-232; when to drop 232; without therapy 231-232, 227

Prayer 245-249; attracting beloved & 245-249; awareness & 247; faith vs. hope 246; God & 247; intentionality & 247; levels of 246-247; love 238; meditation & 246, 248; specificity of 248; What-Really-Matters & 247

Projection 68-69

Prostitution marriage as 99-100, 196

Psychic attunement 41; communion 173

Psychotherapy see Therapy

Rationality emotion vs. 138-139; see also Cognition and Thoughts

Reactivity 21, 26, 33-34, 47-48, 57-62, 76-77; allowing expression of 60; anger & 140-142; being-centered relationship & 34, 59, 62; egoity & 61-62; exploring roots of 60; interruption practices 57-58; listening & 42-43; love & 58; meditation & 61; mutual 61; react (defined) 57; relating to rather than from 34; relational stages & 33-34, 58-59; sedation of 141; shaming & 61; signalling 57; signs of 57; stage interpretation & 33-34; therapy & 61; trust & 58; vulnerability & 60; wakefulness & 26, 34;

see also Conflict

Regression to birth trauma 150; conflict & 65; of relationships 3-4

Rejection anger & 145; identification with 93; jealousy & 92, 94; love & 92-93

Relating to Rather Than from 21, 26, 34, 50, 151, 243, 245

Relational Stages anger & 131-132; commitment & 212-214; conflict & 63-65; discomfort & 253; fear & 159-161; flirting & 188-191; friendship vs. chemistry & 237; guilt & 122-123; honesty & 226; intimacy & 252; listening & 40-41; love & 237; monogamy & 5-8; power & 96-97; serving others & 214; sex & 195-197; shadow & 69-70; shame & 114-116

Relationship defined 251; good/great/best 29; interobjectivity & 251; intersubjectivity & 251; ubiquity of 250

Resentment 119

Responsibility denial of 102-103; see also "Doing One's Best" Excuse

Romance boundaries & 177-178, 236; conventional 178, 236-237; how to recognize 178; love vs. 178; me-centered relationship & 189; as pornography 177; waking up from 178

Sacred Container of Relationship see Container, Relationship as

Sadomasochism 181-182

Safety 218-219; depth & 219

Seduction 244

Self-Consciousness 112

Self-Presentation 244

Separateness see Autonomy

Sex 165-207; abuse of 167, 206; addiction to 166-167; anger & 147; cultural aspects of 168-169, 177; being-centered relationship & 172-173, 197, 206; connection & 204; deep sex 169-170, 198, 206; dysfunction 165, 167; ecstatic 199-200; emotional nakedness & 201-202; eye contact during 198; fantasy & 173, 176, 206-7; to feel better 105; foreplay 201; "fuck" 167-168; intimacy & 185; love & 185, 207; manuals & courses 165; mental aspects of 173; myth of consenting adults 169; orgasm 199-201; pervasive dissatisfaction with 170; polarity & 202-203; psychic communion & 173; real vs. charge 185; real vs. eroticism 172; relational context 170, 204; relational stages & 195-197; "sensational" sex (defined) 169; slang 167-168; spirituality & 206; stress & 166; suffering & 205; suggestions for 198-205; uses/expectations of 166, 168; vulnerability & 201-202

Sexual Charge see Charge

Shadow 68-70; anger example 68; blind compassion & 83; communication 68-69; compassion for 70; defined 68; disowning 68; dream example 69; integration of 70; intimacy with 23, 70; projection 68-69; relational stages & 69-70; revealed through relationship 26; working with 68-70

Shame 68-69, 102-103, 109-116; aggression & 114-115; anger & 109, 144; compassion & 112; compensation for 111-112; contempt & 115; disguised manifestations 109, 113; disgust contrasted with 110-111; ego & 114-115; everted 110, 114; fear & 123; fear of 109; guilt & 123; guilt vs. 119-120; interruptive aspect 110; morality of 111-112; personal history of 113-114; reactivity & 61; in relationship 113-116; relational stages & 114-116; self-consciousness & 112; signs of 110; spirituality & 111; therapy & 111; vengeance & 112-113

Signalling see Communication

Silence listening to 39, 45

Single People 20; attracting their beloved 242-249

Sitting with vs. Sitting on 28

Skepticism 155-156, 158

Slang (Sexual) 167-168

Soul defined 131; soul-centered anger 131

Spiritual Awakening see Awakening

Spiritual Path 49; off vs. on 28-29

Spiritual Teachers abusive behavior by 85; state/stage confusion & 36

Spirituality androgyny & 202; blind compassion & 85; grounding in daily life 2; relationship as alternative to 1-2; relationship as intrinsic part of 2; sex & 206; "spiritual constipation" 29

Stages 32-38; cognitive 4-5, 21; confusion with states 32, 35-36; defined 32; inclusivity of 36; intimacy with 35-36; of intimate relationship 4-7, 20-21; mature monogamy as stage 50; moral 4-5; states & 21, 32-37; see also Lines of Development

States 32-37; confusion with stages 32, 35-36; defined 32; higher 5; identification with 26, 135; interpreted through stage 33-35; intimacy with 21, 35-36; mature monogamy & 37; stages & 21, 32-37; unitive 33; working with 21

"Stonewall" defined 139

Teasing 193; anger & 147; see also Flirting

Therapy 41-45, 104, 227-233; anger example 142-143; boundaries & 230; confrontation & 67; couples counselling 228; integral 227, 233; leaders & 227-228; listening & 41-44; listening example 38; mindfulness in 42-43; men & 227-228; other practices & 231-232; other practices vs. 227; practices derived from 231-232; for reactivity 61; relational stages & 41-44; shame about 227-228;

see also Groupwork

Thought(s) influence on reality 243; relating to rather than from 243; what we do with 243;

see also Cognition and Rationality

Togetherness see Communion

Trauma 154; fantasy & 182-183; integral approach to 154

Trust deepening 220-223; mature monogamy & 17-18; naive 220; openness & 222; reactivity & 58; safety & 218; sharing mistrust 221; sharing untrustworthy past 221; trustworthiness 218, 220

Trying 105; guilt & 118

Uncertainty of Relationship 29, 51

Unitive Experience in abusive relationship 33; egoic interpretation 33

Unity of Being 250-251; individuation & 251; objectivity & 251; subjectivity & 251

Vengeance 112-113

Violence anger & 128; fantasy 181-182

Vulnerability 66, 78; attachment & 15; intimate relationship & 28; reactivity & 60; sex & 201-202

Warrior of Intimacy 140

We-Centered Relationship 6-7; anger & 131-132; commitment & 213-214; conflict in 64; defined 6; discomfort & 253; fear & 160; flirting & 190-191; friendship vs. chemistry & 237; guilt & 122-123; honesty & 226; intimacy & 252; listening & 40-41; love & 237; monogamy & 6-7; non-monogamous urges & 6-7; power & 96; reactivity & 59; sex & 196; shadow-work & 69; shame & 115; therapy & 43-44

We-Space 80

What-Really-Matters 18, 47, 247

Women active role in relationship 138; anger & 136-140; capitulation by 99; commitment & 211-212; eroticism & 180, 182; expression of emotion 74; fantasies 182; femininity (archetypal) 17, 217; femininity (essential) 203; flirting 190; marriage & 190, 196; monogamy & 195; orgasm 200; sexual power of 212; stonewalling & 139

Worry 150-151

Zeno's Paradox 216

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Gaia: The Integral Pod - Announcements and Feedback - Index for RAM's book on Intimate Relationships

Index for RAM's book on Intimate Relationships