Healing the Gay Community....

an excerpt of a comment posted on another blog. would love comments and a dialogue about how to assist in the healing of the gay community. - d

for the gay community i think zaadz can and is a haven for people. a place that is clearly not about one's genitals and gender attraction and having only that in common. a place clearly focused on other things. a refuge. that i think is also good for you to take into consideration. gay men really struggle to find friendships based on much other than drinking, drugging, and sex in many cases. it can be hard to find friends locally for many gay people. mormons and gay men have all sorts of conflicts going on. suicides around in quantity. gay men struggling to find conscious interaction. those who are interested in consciousness. i have invited a number of gay men to zaadz who are seekers of different sorts and they have been thrilled. the rejection that they often face among gay men for being conscious is matched only by the rejection so many face for being gay. it can be a double stigma for many of them. rejected by society and then rejected by their own community, or what could/should be their own community.

it can be very wounding for gay men to be in this culture and country and pretty much anywhere in the world. places like zaadz that are generally accepting of diversity are generally quite helpful. i have in fact been asked by other gay men if i was really gay which i found amusing. when asked why they asked they said it was because i didn't focus on sex. i have been treated like somehow i was messed up because i am not so entirely focused on sex. do we go up to scientists and ask if they are heterosexual or assume they must be sexualy dysfunctional because they work on science? because if they speak to a woman they don't talk about the size of her breasts? gay men are struggling currently with what women have struggled with with guys to some degree, but what would be considered quite inhumane behaviour and certainly not gentlemanly. zaadz has been a space where some gay men can know that while they may not be the global mainstream in the gay community, they are at least not alone.

one of the things many don't realize is while in urban environments it is normal to be gay often times, gay men have to leave their families so much of the time to be there or to be around family they have to leave their peers. it causes all sorts of splits that are not forced in the same ways for others. additionally many are cut off from their families no matter where they live or living double lives in various ways. of course there are many others wounded. many people need to heal prior to serving others or in between their serving. this country is not good at showing its wounds, but it never ceases to amaze me the sheer numbers of wounded folk out there. i think there is often a process from narcissism to service that includes a journey through healing and self development and defining/articulating what is going on in your soul and what you are after. a whole process of inner work. many who are less wounded don't understand the layers of mind/body healing and cleansing that are often required to transform or those who have already done that work often forget the process they went through.

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Re: Healing the Gay Community....

Zaadz has become a virutal haven for myself, as a queer man but what does one do when cyberspace doesn't totally fill the void?

I am not trying to downplay the importance of zaadz and the role it plays in the lives of queer people but finding acceptance within our own community is as important as finding it in cyberspace and having just returned from a very magical weekend I wanted to take the time to respond to this because I am wondering if everyone is aware of the radical faeries?

Here is an excerpt from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radical_Faeries

The Radical Faerie community developed in America among Gay men during the 1970's sexual revolution. Radical Faerie communities generally are inspired by aboriginal and native, traditional spiritualities, especially those that incorporate queer gender. The Radical Faeries use heart circle, communal living, consensus decision-making, dance, drag, pagan ritual, drumming, sex, magic, and intimacy to examine what it means to be a whole human who is also a queer person. In the beginning, the movement was open exclusively to Gay men. Some Radical Faerie communities are now open to all genders and sexual orientations. Radical Faerie communities practice queer-themed spirituality associated with radical politics, paganism or neopaganism, feminism, gender liberation, and may encompass any and all religions or a lack of them.

Saturday I spent 5 hours in a heart circle which my friend Shimmer defines as ”(safe spaces to meet one another, listen and share words from the heart about all facets of our lives).” 

It was beautiful, magical, and inspiring.  People listen, truly listen, without judgement and there is so much you can glean from listening to others and find commonality with.

If this inspires you to do some more research here are a few links that you can click on to find out more:

Local Faerie Circles:  http://www.radfae.org/localcircles.htm

Yahoo Groups: search the keyword radical faeries.  There are groups in Boston, CT, NYC and elsewhere

Radical Faerie Digest (a magazine): http://www.rfdmag.org/

We are the wisdom keepers, as queer people we walk between the worlds. 

A lot of queers are awakening to mystical powers, I myself am a seer and medium and have been honing my gifts for over 15 years now.

What else can we do to heal our community?  It starts with just one.

Faerie blessings,

Christopher WillowOak  

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Re: Healing the Gay Community....

christopher…

thanks for your comments and discussing the radical faeries here. here is what i have to say about that and curious your thoughts and feedback. i have read the book 'radically gay', or at least parts of it, specifically the radical faerie pieces and the intro. i found it impressive. however, i explored sex to whatever degree years ago and am pretty happy not to be having sex unless i happen to be dating someone and am less interested in being entirely free with my body in the way that the faeries seem to be in my exposure and experience. i also have never really been drawn to drugs.

having talked to people around the faerie community and those who have left for various reasons that is what i have heard, that they left because they were not interested in the free sex, pot smoking sorta lifestyle. at the same time i have been very drawn to connect as friends with a number of the faeries and can't deny there is a sweetness to them. i tire of the sex/drug focus of the gay community as it is. the faeries seem to take it to a more creative/heart centered place, but from what i have gathered it has not seemed like the most safe space for those who are not interested in communal sex and drug use. i am surely not the only one who has avoided the faeries for this reason and it would be a good forum/thread to discuss it on.

i would be curious to hear your thoughts on the matter from within and around the community.

thanks for your posting here.

-d

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Re: Healing the Gay Community....

Wow D,

To be honest, this really surprises me.  I guess that there are differences between East Coast Faeries and West Coast Faeries?

I have spent time with the NYC, Boston, and Vermont Radical Faeries and have never encountered casual sex and/or orgies, drugs…

What I have found instead is men who are willing to accept me as I am and in return ask the same of me.  I have found a group of men who are proud to be gay and realize that there is more to being gay than just sex.  That is what Harry Hay was thinking when he founded the Radical Faeries.

Harry Hay believed that there had to be a spiritual component to being gay, that there was more than just the physical.

Myself, I don't do drugs, prefer making love to sex and that's only after I have gotten to know someone.

I used to ask myself, am I really gay? And then I met the Radical Faeries who showed me that there are other gay men out there like me, who are interested in nature, environmentalism, friendship, honest sharing…

I suppose in every aspect of the gay community you're going to find what you're describing.

Sorry that you and others have had such an unfortunate experience, it's sad.  As gay men we can be so much more than just our penis.  My biggest organ is my brain and that is my biggest turn on in a man.  

Christopher WillowOak

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Re: Healing the Gay Community....

in no way do i mean to discredit the work of the faeries. in fact i have been highly impressed with elements of it. i am glad your experience has been different from what i have heard and experienced. i have found them to be amazingly fascinating people and amazingly caring people. for me it has seemed this odd paradox of safety and creative expression mixed with a lot of wounding which is understandable.

people who have been sexually abused would often especially not want be in an environment such as that, which would be counter to any sense of 'safety' for them. also of course the chemicals even of liquor around that sort of experience could be counter to actual consciousness as it is overriding their natural boundaries and often one can feel violated afterwards, which is what you get with so many gay men.

i am thrilled on the east coast, at least in your experience you have felt safe around them. on the west coast the basic idea i have heard is that they are without boundaries and that has its pluses and minuses. in tibetan buddhism the buddha of wisdom has a sword in one hand and a flower in the other. i have sorta viewed them as all flower, no sword. sword would be symbollic of clarity and a crispness to things. one could look at much of the victorian era as heavy with sword and weak with flower. some fo the puritans as well can be heavy with sword and weak with flower.

healing i think is complex. a friend who was a faerie for some time found it quite good for him for a number of years. another friend said they are good at creating healing space, but not so good at managing the business side of things or other details around that. (weak on sword?). those experiences have all come from zuni and short mountain stories i think. well, and from the oregon sanctuary.

i was a bit shocked when i was asked, 'why not, are you a prude?' after saying to one long term faerie that i was not interested in communal sex. i certainly thought, if this is what i am getting from a faerie who has been around a while and in a leadership position, then i may enjoy time around him, but i should watch the context. i am not sure that love is exactly love if it requires a substance to feel it.

we seem to have a lot of polarity in the gay community. much of it is the whole 'sex is great and fun and nothing is wrong with it, i should be able to do with your body what i want' sort of crowd. on the flip side we have, 'nobody should have sex outside of a relationship and all these people are evil for not only sleeping with someone they are partnered to.' i seem to fall somewhere between and it leaves me criticized by both camps. i can see that someone may somehow find it healing and helpful to be in a group sex situation. it isn't what i have been called to thus far, but i have had experiences which were even at times unpleasant and painful which served as a sort of epicach for my soul. i have also found that sometimes experiences give us contrast or take us places where we may not otherwise go and in the process we learn a lot about ourselves, others, and the world. so conceptually i am not wanting to run around and demonize anyone who doesn't live like i do. however, that said, safety doesn't come when one is repeatedly pushed against their will into things that don't feel right to them. perhaps that is another way that some of the faeries may come to consciousness who may be around such things. however, it seems a middle ground or perhaps a somewhat more puritan group of faeries (relatively speaking) may be in order. perhaps that is what you have found out there.

healing circles are amazing. i have been in a few smaller healing circles.

i haven't been in larger group healing circles with gay men, partly for that reason. it seems there is such a lack of consciousness around sexuality and a lack of any interest in boundaries. i have reached a point where it can feel like a haunted house just to chat online or go to a club or party. i have been shocked on numerous occasions at the ways much of the mainstream treats my own genitals and their own. we would be appalled if women were treated like that and we often are, but among gay men, often it is just viewed as acceptable to grab someone's genitals or have yours grabbed. partnered in nyc, i was treated with hostility by a guy who i stopped sitting by when he tried to kiss me. while this is clearly not everyone at the parties there are enough people like that around that i finally started interacting in more limited circles and contexts. others of course turn to anger and hate towards the gay community and wind up marrying a woman for solace from the 'sexual expression' or become celibate and interact outside the gay community.

a lot of what i work with in the gay community is the wounded segment of the population. so i understand that this is not the mainstream. i find a range of experiences and the more severe the experiences the more severe the reactions in many cases. in my case i saw so much growing up that i lost interest in so much of it, plus i explored a lot. for others who haven't been immersed in club culture, but who go here and there it can be quite different than someone who lived in it essentially for a number of years and saw plenty of self destruction.  

i think metaphorical 'villages' such as you have found are wonderful and i am glad to know you have found that around you. i am glad to know it is there and growing. harry hay's work is amazing i think. at least much of what i have encountered from it. i think any gay man interested in consciousness should spend time with his work. clearly it is monumental and a beautiful foundation.

i think as smaller healing communities take route, the wisdom of the experiences can spread in different ways, and cultures can develop in pockets that can offer variance from the mainstream culture in more and more ways. the name radical faeries i would think also would tend to attract certain people and repel others. i obviously have been drawn enough to explore it, but many have not. perhaps 'the not so radical faeries' would be a side group at some point. hehe.

thank you for your thoughts and experiences around all this. very helpful.

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Re: Healing the Gay Community....

Hi David, glad to see you are back posting in the pods here.

I think you and I are on similar quests. I have also been trying to figure out why gay men appear to be primarily focused on sexualizing everything in their worlds and seem less interested in forming personal bonds on other levels. I was very glad to see that there are at least a few gay men who are seeking more spiritual connections when I joined zaadz.

I was wondering if there were more community events around the US that I was missing here in Arizona. Like you, my short experience with radical faeries was less that desirable. I never actually got to meet anyone or get over to Zuni but subscribed to the listserv and read many emails for several months and watched the dialogue intently. While I did see a few who seemed truly interesting individuals, my understanding through reading their posts back and forth was that the group was more focused on the types of activities that you described. This may be an unfair assessment as I did not actually meet or have any personal interaction with anyone from the listserv and I finally just unsubscribed.

When I moved to Tucson at the beginning of the year, I had hoped to find a group of gay men that were interested in discussing more spiritual aspects of gay life especially as it relates to healing. Tucson has seemed to be a bit more spiritually aware as a city than Phoenix however, I have not yet found those that seem genuinely interested in pursuing discussions about spirituality and healing and exploring aspects of our paths from our gay oriented aspects. I'm sure most of that is my issue since I do not go out to bars and am not very successful at chatting up others online. I still struggle with figuring out how to meet men outside of the usual venues of bar and bath.

I think that we are not easily finding these individuals in our gay society simply because they do not exist in great numbers. The lessons we teach each other upon coming out are not those of a spiritual nature and since we reap what we sew, we see a great deal of people languishing in sex oriented behaviors wondering why they are not meeting “Mr. Right”. The real question is how do we re-orient these behaviors and how to we help others come from that venue into a more self healing/spiritually aware frame of reference? This is, of course, assuming that they wish to find and follow this path.

I've been thinking for some time about starting a discussion group similar to a couple of groups that I have attended in the past. I'm not really sure of the agenda, or that it actually has to have one other than just talking about how we might find ways of reaching others who have similar interests and what activities we can pursue that would help move us away from the bar behaviors into a different path.

Do you have any experience with starting or participating in a group like this?

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Re: Healing the Gay Community....

I am really glad that this string of conversation is growing.  I have often asked myself, am I a gay man? because I do not focus on my genitals, can go months without having sex, and prefer soul to soul relationship as opposed to a quick hook up.

I am really starting to understand my purpose in life is to bring spirituality back to the queer male community, to remind them of their sacredness within the world and how we need as brothers to build up one another not tear each other down.

This is going to happen in small groups.  I get strange looks when people find out I have been single (until last week) for 27 months but I explain to them that I can date anyone, I am not a bad looking guy, but it is about finding substance, and someone who will wait to have sex, who's more interested in getting to know me as a person.

Moving beyond myself, I have begun a group in Connecticut called Queer Ethos, A Tribe for Queer Men Who Love Men.  It is a Pagan/Shamanic/Spiritual group where men can come together and feel safe and engage in what feeds their soul.

This is a radical shift in queer consciousness slowly starting to emerge.  We are the pioneers, the ones whom the ancestors of men who love men have called upon to stoke the fires and let the flames burn and rise once more.

Ho!

Christopher WillowOak

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Re: Healing the Gay Community....

christopher and ct… enjoying the thread (and whoever else is watching and/or cares to participate). nice to be back interacting as well ct.

i think it is clearly a process and i think it takes time. i have been focused in various ways on myself and slowly, but surely i feel like i have more to offer both online and perhaps locally as well. i am not sure how to facilitate some things just given my spacial limitations lately and my other limitations as far as location and the interest locally (i am not in an urban center).

i have looked at groups before and i think i resisted the chaos of founding or leading something. there is a gay spiritual group locally called 'lavender tribe' but it is very much a miss mosh of things. i think perhaps more focus than a gay group that is spiritual… such as gay mystics vs. gay spirituality. there can be a lot of politics around the word gay 'like the issue we had with the use of the word 'queer' in the 'conscious queers' pod. depending on the size one can take a lot of heat. a lot of pressures and different voices and interests. when i closed conscious queers and started this group i got someone upset because i used 'gay' instead of queer. when i had the queer term i had a few comments from people not into that. it took me a bit and i told the other person to start their own group if they wanted something else and they did. it can take a thick skin to lead it seems. my skin is getting somewhat thicker and my ability to facilitate and allow chaos seems to be improving as well. the culture is so intense and dominant that there may need to be bridges from where it is to where many may yearn for it to go.

many a bright eyed gay boy comes out only to be treated like an object only to later objectify himself and others. it is such an intense culture. blacks had generations of slavery and being abused by their 'masters' in this country. gay people have generations of closeted lives and shaming and of course many are still shamed and ostracized. so i think we get abuse mentality and a certain mob mentality. maybe since sex often stems from so many other things, the thing to focus on initially is not the sex and to allow people their journeys with that, but allow them safe spaces to talk and feel and be conscious. because otherwise they may just wind up doing it anyhow and hating themselves and yet if they are allowed to feel it and be conscious then evolution can happen in ways that are right for their souls.

so many gay people are cut off from spirituality. i have commented on that before. i think that is a big chunk of it. so many have been told god hates them since such young ages and have been taught that the divine exists in their parents hands or the hands of the religious leaders. that their connection to the divine is only through others. that then of course leads to a lot of disconnection from grace and one's deepest aspects of self.

i think earlier in this pod their is a posting on ho opono opono, hawaiian mysticism where they talk about looking in one's self for the wounding happening externally and healing that. from that view we as a group could look at the layers of wounding in ourselves that are manifesting externally in the pain and destruction of the gay community. not in a way of manipulating things outside so much as just giving love to others no matter how they may be living or acting and what we may think that means. not having ourselves not offering love where things go against our views. perhaps having boundaries, but not letting it shut us down from offering care and compassion for our community.

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Re: Healing the Gay Community.... - new pod

here is a new pod specifically focused on healing and transformation of the gay community.

join us if you would like…

Gay Healing and Transformation

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Re: Healing the Gay Community....

I am part of a group of gay shamanic practitioners in NYC.  We will be holding an open circle at the Gay & Lesbian Center on 13th Street in New York City starting next Sunday (February 3rd).  I felt this thread was an appropriate place for a brief announcement given the discussion David began around healing in the gay community.  These are not shamanic workshops, but you also do not need to be experienced with shamanism.

“The NYC Gay Men's Shamanic Circle will be holding an open circle for gay men on the first Sunday of Feb, Apr, Jun, Aug, Oct, Dec. We perform shamanic journey work for the purpose of healing on many levels, including ourselves, our community, and the planet. $10 suggested donation. Begins 12 noon, please arrive promptly. For more info please visit www.nycgayshamans.net”

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